I'm not quite sure how it's nearly Christmas already, but here we are on December 2nd! This is the first in our series of what to write in a Christmas card, so if you find this useful but also want thoughtful messages or messages for partners or family, be sure to take a look at our other helpful guides.
Here are some of our favourite funny Christmas messages, quotes and jokes to write in a card.
Funny Christmas Messages for Friends
- They say the best Christmas gifts come from the heart … but cash and gift cards do wonders too! Merry Christmas.
- Wishing you a white Christmas! (And when you run out of white, just open a bottle of red).
- Christmas is the only time of year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks. Enjoy!
- Please note: Christmas is cancelled. Apparently, you told Santa you have been good this year … he died laughing.
- I’ve finally found the true meaning of Xmas, it’s for those people who can’t spell Christmas
- I only got you a card in case you got me one...
- Have a very merry Christmas and remember Christmas calories don’t count…
- Christmas is so much worse as you get older. It’s like “What do you want this year?”
I don’t know, financial security? A career? A sense of purpose? But a nap would be nice!! - May your fun be large and bills be small this year. Merry Christmas!
- It’s time for our ugly sweaters. Merry Christmas!
- Happy Christmas! Yule always be my bestie.
- May your holidays be as lovely as they look on Instagram.
- Santa saw your Facebook – you’re getting a dictionary this year!
- Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men and Batteries Not Included.
- Money is scarce, times are hard; here is your lovely Christmas card!
- Keep calm and merry on!
- Merry drunk, I’m Christmas.
- This is as jolly as I get.
Funny Christmas Quotes
- “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” — Henny Youngman
- “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” — Melanie White
- “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.” — Elf
- “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” — Bob Phillips
- “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson
- “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” — Bart Simpson
- ”The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” — Elf
- ”Christmas is a race to see which gives out first—your money or your feet.” — Unknown
- “You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” — Robert Paul
- “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’” — Bernard Manning
Funny Christmas Jokes
- How do cats greet each other at Christmas? A furry Merry Christmas and happy Mew Year!
- Me: "I want a magical Unicorn for Christmas"
Santa: "Be realistic"
Me: "Okay. I want 5 minutes to myself each day to drink my coffee hot and be in peace."
Santa: "What colour Unicorn would you like?" - Why are Dasher and Dancer always taking coffee breaks? Because they are Santa’s star-bucks!
And don't forget, if you're still on the lookout for funny Christmas cards, take a look at our collection here.